


a gentle sound that makes you cry

by ellekim94



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:28:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23353222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellekim94/pseuds/ellekim94
Summary: Kageyama woke up to a slightly heavy feeling on his head and upon looking at his phone to see the time, he figured he woke up later than usual. Despite that, he still didn’t get up though — as a matter of fact, there was nothing he wanted more than to stay exactly where he was. In his room, on his bed, alone.It’s pretty much how he had always spent his birthdays anyway.
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio & Everyone, Kageyama Tobio/Everyone
Comments: 9
Kudos: 194





	a gentle sound that makes you cry

**Author's Note:**

> // this isn't a happy story.

Kageyama woke up to a slightly heavy feeling on his head and upon looking at his phone to see the time, he figured he woke up later than usual. Despite that, he still didn’t get up though — as a matter of fact, there was nothing he wanted more than to stay exactly where he was. In his room, on his bed, alone.

It’s pretty much how he had always spent his birthdays anyway.

He couldn’t remember the last time he actually felt excited for this own birthday. (Probably never, he thought.) Because as far as he could remember, he had always spent his birthdays alone. He had initially thought it would be better if he’d spent it at school where there were other people and it would be easier to get distracted. He wouldn’t admit it but it was ten times lonelier to be surrounded by a lot of people who didn’t have any idea what day it was to him than with no one. At least when he’s alone, there was no one to expect to simply greet him.

No matter how much he would have loved to stay in bed, he knew he couldn’t because (a) it’s Tuesday which meant there’s school (not that he cared much about it but) (b) there’s practice after classes and he wouldn’t miss that despite the hollow feeling settling inside him.

He literally dragged his feet to get himself ready for school, ignoring the fact that he didn’t eat anything before leaving their house. He dismissively wondered what other people eat for breakfast during their birthdays but stopped himself quickly because it didn’t matter. It wasn’t his first birthday that he didn’t eat anything for breakfast anyway. He figured he could just get milk before class starts. He usually does during lunch but he thought he’d allow himself extra milk that day. Not because it’s his birthday or anything.

He wasn’t able to get himself milk that morning because he was running late since he woke up late. With a complaining stomach, he sit through his morning classes with the thought that it could have been worse. He thought injuring his hands or his legs severely to the point of permanently stopping playing volleyball and that’s infinitely worse than not having anything at all on the morning of his birthday.

It gave him relief that no one actually knew it was his birthday. The morning passed uneventful and he was finally able to walk to the vending machine to get milk. He stood there, looking passively at the machine, and wondered to himself if he should try not eating anything at all that day. His hunger already subsided anyway, and if he succeeded, it would be his first birthday to not eat anything at all. That was a new achievement compared to his usual no breakfast for his birthday.

Kageyama didn’t know how he convinced himself to walk back to the classroom without getting anything but he did and briefly, he wondered if anyone would care at all if he collapsed, or even died. He didn’t give it much thought because the class began before he knew it and he was able to completely forget about his empty stomach or his question before the class began.

After the afternoon classes, it amazed him that he wasn’t feeling anything at all — not the hunger he initially thought would kill him or even the numb feeling in his chest knowing that he woke up on his birthday alone, he got through the entire day alone, and he’d probably get home to an empty house alone, too.

The practice was as rigorous as usual but there was nothing new with that. He didn’t even notice the stinging feeling on his stomach while he was doing tosses for almost three hours. It ended just as quickly as it began. After cleaning up the gym, everyone began piling out to change and to leave. However, he stayed a little to the empty gym, not wanting to change in the congested club room even though there had been multiple times he did already in the past. He knew he just didn’t want to be around too many people.

He thought of these people — honestly, he could even call them his friends and he was grateful for these people, for putting their trust on him, for caring for him even just a little. That was enough for Kageyama and he certainly wouldn’t ask for more. But there was just something wrong about being surrounded by people he knew cared for him, maybe even loved him, and not felt anything but a distant, hollow feeling inside him. It was just a feeling that won’t go away.

When he arrived home, he couldn’t understand why he was still surprised that there was no one there. He anticipated that, expected it even, but when he opened the door to nothing but darkness, he almost wasn’t able to close the door behind him anymore as he fell down. He wasn’t sure what was happening. Was his stomach finally catching up to his plan? Right when he thought he was going to achieve his goal to sleep off without eating anything at all that day. His knees just felt weak and he fell to the floor. There was something wet somewhere, too, but he couldn’t see what it was because of the darkness, the door finally closing behind him. At first, he thought it was blood but even he would question that because where would the blood even come from?

He brought his hand to his face and he realized it was tears. He was crying and he didn’t even know it. It wasn’t that Kageyama never cried but that night, it was different. Before, he knew what he was feeling. He felt alone, he felt sad, he felt trapped, he felt unwanted. He felt all of that and he knew he was feeling them. If he did anything about those feelings, that was another story. But that night, he felt numb. His knees were on the floor but he didn’t know what made them fall. His eyes were crying but he couldn’t understand why the tears were not stopping. He supposed his sadness was worse than he thought but when he stood up, all he could feel in that darkness and emptiness were the slight pain in his knees for falling down and the liquid from his eyes dampening his cheeks. Nothing else.

If he should be worried, he wasn’t able to think anymore because his vision darkened and the last thing he could remember was falling down for the second time that night. His last thought was: Is this finally it?

Strangely, when he thought that, he felt something akin to happiness. Ah, it’s relief, Kageyama believed.

**Author's Note:**

> // this is 1,135 words of sadness. idk. i know karasuno loves kageyama. i know that. and i’m just on my episode 7 of season 2. there are a lot more than can happen. but after hinata and kageyama fought on episode 5 i think, i just feel like, hinata is a bright ball of sunshine and i love him for that and he gets sad and depressed but he bounces back pretty quickly because that’s just the person he is but for kageyama. he tries but it just doesn’t work out and i know it’s no one’s fault really, also not his by the way because that’s just the person he is too, but i just felt really sad how it seems like there are so many people he can reach out to but they are unreachable to him? if that makes sense, idk. i couldn’t go on with watching. i know we shouldn’t expect from anyone. that we should get out of this abyss ourselves. we should pick ourselves up, right? but yeah… that’s what everyone’s probably thinking. and i guess i just want everyone to do more. i know it’s asking too much though. or is it?
> 
> // 'a gentle sound that makes you cry' is the sound of someone asking for help that no one can hear. it’s the sound of someone desperately, desperately calling for help to people and yet no one can hear him. it’s the silent sound of desperation and in the end, decision that no one is going to come. no one is even going to know. it’s that sound of anticipation that today, the next day, and the day after day, nothing is going to change.


End file.
